*** More Jokes ***

Companionship

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the
answer to, "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
everyday. Now I do not see you anymore.  I am lonesome here & it is
difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem!  I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for
you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this
new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in
spite of yourself."

And  God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a
good animal.  And God was pleased.  And the new animal was pleased to
be with Adam & he  wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have
already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a
name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem!  Because I have created this new animal to
be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of
my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam
was comforted.

And God was pleased.  And Dog was content & wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the
Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts &
preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration.  Dog
has indeed taught him that he is loved,  but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem!  I will create for him a companion who
will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion
will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not
always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.

And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not
the supreme being.  And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.  And Adam was greatly improved.  And Dog was
happy.

And the cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

MEN ARE FROM SEARS, WOMEN ARE FROM NORDSTROM

                I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For
example, If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an
outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper
halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.  Without
males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing.
Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths
related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.

          Also, if women were in charge of all the world's nations,
there would be, I sincerely believe this, virtually no military conflicts,
and if there were a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just
awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes
written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace
Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side).

       So I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the
exception of one key area, and that area is: clothing sizes.  In this
particular area, women are insane.  When a man shops for clothes,
his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular
body.

   A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small,
he'll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he
buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size
of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the
back label, so that if you're standing behind a man in a supermarket line,
you can read his waist and inseam size.   A man could have, say, a
52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this
information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says:
"Howdy! My butt is the size of a Federal Express  truck!" The situation
is very different with women.

        When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT
to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that
to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that
are the size she wore when she was 19 years old. This will be some
arbitrary number such as "5" or "7." Don't ask me "5" or "7" of what;
that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that
if a woman was a size 5 at age 19, she wants to be a size 5 now, and
if a size 5 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a
larger size: She can't!  Her size is 5!   So she will keep trying on size
5 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely
unhappy.

            She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is
waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store,
trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision
binoculars.  "Hi!" he'll say, when his wife finds him. "You know how
sometimes the electricity goes out at night and..." "Am I fat?" she'll ask,
cutting him off.  This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he
answers "yes," she'll be angry because he's saying that she's fat, and if
he answers "no," she'll be angry because HE'S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE
OF THE SIZE 5s FIT HER.  There is no escape for the husband.   I think
a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their
wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will
be easier if, before their wives come out and
demand to know whether they're fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO
cult.
 
        The other day my wife, Michelle, was in a terrific mood,
and you know why? Because she had successfully put on a size 6 outfit.
She said this made her feel wonderful.   She said, and this is a direct
quote: "I wouldn't care if these pants were this big
(here she held her arms far apart) as long as they have a '6' on them."

Here's how you could get rich: Start a women's clothing store
called "SIZE 2," in which all garments, including those that were
originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words
"SIZE 2."  I bet you'd sell clothes like crazy. You'd probably get rich,
and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to
benefit humanity. I'm thinking here of professional lawn mower racing.

  Would you speak or keep quiet?

  A young man has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he
has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his
Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young
man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on
the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love.
She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner.  He readily
agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his
Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him
that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner
must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the
first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long
fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and
kisses the woman in front of her family. No one says a word...! Next he
decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex
with her in front of everyone.  And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is
getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.
They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next
when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the
chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the
Vaseline.  And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes."


Pouring In

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying their husbands on business trips.  Anticipating some
valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent
out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special
rates, asking them how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

The Poker Game
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker
when the police raided the game. Turning to the priest,
the lead police officer said, "Father Murphy, were you
gambling?" Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest
whispered, "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do."

To the police officer, he then said, "No, officer; I was
not gambling." The officer then asked the minister,

"Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?" Again, after an
appeal to heaven, the minister replied, "No, officer; I
was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, "Rabbi
Goldstein, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders,
the rabbi replied, ..."With whom?"


Airline Shuffle
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

During the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was
delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for
another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the
maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number,
which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to
find that a third gate had been designated for us.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were
settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We
apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This
flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not
Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit,
carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."

Literalism

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.
Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the
stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the
teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to
the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire
building materials for his home.  She said "...And so the pig went up
to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir,
but might I have some of that straw to build my house?"

Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man
said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know!  I
know! He said, 'Holy Shit!!  A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

Corporate Lesson number one

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,
 "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson number two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.