*** Jokes ***

Dangers In Changing Operating Systems
Dear Tech Support: > > > >Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and >noticed a > >slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewelry >applications that had > >operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system. > > > >In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable >programs, such as > >Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL >7.4, NBA 3.2 > >and NHL 4.1. > > > >Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 >simply crashes > >the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these >problems, but to no > >avail. > > > >What can I do? > > > >Signed, Desperate.

Dear Desperate, > > > >First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment >package, while > >Husband 1.0 is an operating system. > > > >Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and >install Tears 6.2. > >Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: >Guilt 3.3 and > >Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to >default to > >such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour >7.0, or Beer > >6.1. > >Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will >create > >Snoring > >Loudly.WAV files. > > > >DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend >program. > >These are not supported applications and will crash Husband >1.0. It could > >also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program: >Girlfriend > >9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to >introduce > >potentially serious viruses into the Operating System. > > > >In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a >limited > >memory and can't learn new applications quickly. > > > >You might consider buying additional software to enhance his >system > >performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single >Malt Scotch > >4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that >old > >stand-by...Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with >improved > >performance of his hardware). > > > >Good Luck, Tech Support >

"The Ugly Son" - Rated PG

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen
He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

Being Seduced

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as he pleased since they would be out until quite late.

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horribly bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.

The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

So the wife went home alone and found the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.
She slowly moved towards him and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer.  Then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress. . . Now take off my bra. Next remove my shoes and stockings. Now remove my garter belt and panties."

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted, "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired."
Contributed by:  Nikko

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (...and that would be how?...)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head. (But I like to shower with a friend!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating. Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5-year-olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope so!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to the alternative...which would be?...)

On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. \par ( DDDUUUHHH)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals. What is this, a home castration kit?)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Murphy's Technology Laws

Murphy's Technology Law #1:
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy's Technology Law #2:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Murphy's Technology Law #3:
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

Murphy's Technology Law #4:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Murphy's Technology Law #5:
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until
he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Murphy's Technology Law #6:
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Murphy's Technology Law #7:
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Murphy's Technology Law #8:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy's Technology Law #9:
All's well that ends . . . period.

Murphy's Technology Law #10:
A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy's Technology Law #11:
The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy's Technology Law #12:
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy's Technology Law #13:
New systems generate new problems.

Murphy's Technology Law #14:
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy's Technology Law #15:
We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy's Technology Law #16:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy's Technology Law #17:
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

Contributed by:  Nikko

New priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
"Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

Door #1, Door #2 or Door #3

Mac died at the controls of a plane and went to pilot's hell, where
he found a hideous devil and three doors.

The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hell rooms."
He said, "I'll be right back don't go away," and he vanished.

Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpit
where the pilot was condemned to forever run through preflight
checks.   He slammed the door and peeked into the second.  There,
alarms rang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid one
emergency after another.

Unable to imagine a worse fate Mac cautiously opened the third door.
He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flight attendants
answering to a captain's every whim.

He quickly returned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.
"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 or
number 2?"

"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.

"Sorry," said the devil.  "You can't have door number 3, that's
flight attendants' hell."

Contributed by: Nikko

Best Qualities

Superman, Snow White and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were
sitting around talking about their best qualities.
Superman said, "I am considered to be the strongest man in the world."
Snow White said, "I am considered to be
the fairest maiden in the world."
Hunchback said, "Well, I have the reputation of being
the ugliest man in the world."
Superman suggested they go to the castle and
see what Snow White's mirror had to say. 
Superman went in first.
When he returned he said the mirror confirmed that
he is still the strongest man in the world.
Snow White was next and when she joined the other two
she said she was, indeed, still the fairest maiden in the world.
The Hunchback was next and when he came out
he had a puzzled look on his face.
He is asked the other two, "Who is Dennis Rodman ?"

A LITTLE HUMOR FROM THE OTHER SIDE
(THIS IS FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE BASHING JOKES)

1.) How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it to you.

2.) Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able
to support you.

3.) Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

4.) How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

5.) How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

6.) Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

7.) If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course, at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

8.) All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

9.) What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

10.) I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

11.) I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

12.) What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

13.) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

14.) Scientists have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex
drive by 90%.  It's called Wedding Cake.

15.) Marriage is a 3 ring circus; Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

16.) Our last fight was my fault; my wife asked me "What's on the
TV?", I said, "Dust!".

17.) In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.  Then God created
Man and rested.  Then God created Woman.  Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

18.) My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four
state troopers and a dog.

19.) Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

THE POPE

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive  for awhile. Well, the
chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope proceeded to hop on 95 and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he got to about 90 mph and, WHAM!, there were the blue lights of  our friendly State Patrol in his
mirror.

He pulled over and the trooper came to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, said "Just a moment please I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He told
the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled  over and I need to know what to do."

The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted again?" The trooper said, "No, even more important." The chief replied, "It's the Governor, is it?" The trooper replied,  "No, even more important." "It
isn't the President is it?" "No, more important," replied the trooper. "Well WHO the HECK is it!" screamed the chief.

"I don't know," said the trooper. "but he's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

Air Sick

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.  A few
minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops
down in the seat next to him.  The huge man glares threateningly at
his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened
against the window, and immediately falls asleep.

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air
sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to
the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb
over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big
guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of
nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any
longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees
the vomit all over him.

"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

Some reasons why chocolate is better than sex:

1.  You can GET chocolate.

2.  "If you love me you'll swallow that" has a REAL meaning with chocolate.

3.  Chocolate satifies even when it has gone soft.

4.  You can safely have chocolate while you're driving.

5.  You can make chocolate last as long as you want it too.
6.  You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7.  If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.
8.  Two people of the same sex can have it without being called nasty names.
9.  The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have it on top of your desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have it at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for it.
19. When you have chocolate, it does not keep your neighbours awake.
20. With chocolate, size doesn't matter: it's always good.

 

Windows2000

One day, Pete complained to his friend,  "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store with Windows2000 installed that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than any doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and Windows2000 will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks...

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change the use of computers in medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled.  He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

Windows2000 again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.  Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant ... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

"Sleeping"

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed
in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to
the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden
staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff
and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden
staff.  How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Wise words

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away

19 Things Not To Say To The Nice Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, I didn't realize that my radar detector wasn't on.

3. Aren't you the guy from the village people?

4. Hey you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me.

5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.

6. Bad cop! No donut!

7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?

8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school.

9. I pay your salary.

10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.

11. Is that a 9mm?  It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

12. What do you mean, have I been drinking?  You're a trained specialist.

13. Do you know why you pulled me over?  Good, at least one of us does.

14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence, bet I can outrun you.

15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

16. Is it true people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.

18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around  - that's how far they are ahead of me.

19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Kentucky Fried Chicken

New salesperson at Kentucky Fried Chicken had an excellent idea to improve sales. He approached church officials with donation of one million dollars but the condition was they have to change Lord's prayer.

The sentence: "Father give us our daily bread...." have to be replaced with: "Father give us our daily Kentucky Fried Chicken....." After hours of negotiations the deal was finally reached. The donation will be three million dollars and the change will take effect next Sunday.

Sunday morning before the mass the priest said to his congregation: I have a good news and the bad news. Good news is we have just received donation of three million dollars. What is the bad news ? O well..... said priest, we have just lost Wonder Bread account.

Contributed by:  Keith

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker

7. Look at the size of his putter

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren't:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good.

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

Virus Alerts

Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

Kenneth Starr Virus: Competely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.

Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes.

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.

Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.

Titanic Virus: Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.

Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

The Laziest

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced.

"Will the laziest man please put his hand up." nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

Internet Joke

Two dogs are sitting in front of the computer. One of them is on the Internet and is saying to the other: you know internet is great, nobody knows you are a dog.

Financial Worries

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.  "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.

"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

Sexual Morality

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said,

"Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

One day

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.

The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.

At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Things women never say...

1.   I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2.   Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

3.   Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?

4.   I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

5.   You're so sexy when you're hungover.

6.   I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

7.   Let's subscribe to Hustler.

8.  I'll be out painting the house.

9.  I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

10.  Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!

11.  No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.

12.  Your mother is way better than mine.

13.  Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

14.  I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for

Christ's sake, you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.

15.  Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you

retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

16.  You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

Charming Quotes

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.

If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.

I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.

Age is important only if you're cheese or wine.

The only time a woman wishes she were a year older is when she is expecting a baby.

Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.

Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

Can it be a coincidence that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards.

Oops

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.

"I just need one copy."

Dealing with Death

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

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